When a family member says something harsh that elicits feelings that are unwanted- anger, shame, sadness- the most common ways to respond are:
to react and confront, or
to suppress and retreat
However, there are different and more productive ways to handle this situation in a healthier, sustainable fashion.
Personally, I am naturally inclined to defend myself in the way I am most used to and comfortable with- to react and confront in a non-apologetic, aggressive and resentful manner. When attacked, when the rules of the relationship- the unsaid, perceived rules- have been broken, I subconsciously and impulsively decide that I have been given implicit permission to cross the line too.
After noticing this ultimately destructive pattern numerous times and contemplating the sustainability of these unintended but frequent rituals of conflict, I have devised a way in which I could (theoretically, haha) deal with it in a healthier manner.
P.S I hastily wrote a disorganized version of this article in my notes app when I was terribly angry with a family member, in hopes that it would reduce my anger and calm me down. This is the somewhat organized version of my thoughts.
Let us take a situation: A parent says something in anger that seems inconsiderate, shameless, and greatly offensive. I propose the following internal journey in response:
First, it is important to force yourself into their shoes.
Yes, considering the tumultuous nature of the moment, it is an incredibly compassionate move that will take lots of effort. Consider that when they are saying hurtful things, they are in a state of defense. When they are in this state, they have a natural pattern of activity/actions that emerge in a way that has been conditioned into their minds that goes beyond our understanding in time and space. It is imperative to recognize that pattern in the moment and be sympathetic to it. A comforting idea is as follows: a state of defense signifies that whatever they say is ultimately not to offend you (unless that is very clear), but to safeguard themselves.
Second, analyze their specific actions:
Ask yourself- is this behavior in accordance with how they have acted before, or is it a completely unexpected and novel behavior? If it is in accordance with past behavior, then that realization itself should give rise to a feeling of empathy, acceptance and understanding. This is a pattern, and therefore you can remind yourself that in a way, you cannot expect anything better from that person in this context. Oftentimes in the heat of the moment, this simple fact evades us. We must remind ourselves of it.
An empathic exercise to practice in this moment is to envision yourself in your most defensive state. Even you say or do things that you cannot help. Things that have come out of your mouth that you regretted and could never take back. Isn’t there a part of you that wished the other person wouldn’t have taken it so personally? That they recognized this pattern of yours and instead stood with you, with arms of acceptance and understanding? Rather than on the other side, with their emotional weapon of choice?
Always give them the benefit of the doubt regarding the state they’re in, that they aren’t there to attack you, but to defend themselves in the ways they know how. Envision them at their most vulnerable, and a wave of sympathy will wash over you.
Third, after processing, it is time to react.
When deciding how to react, it is important to look at your own feelings. Are you drained? Is this something that is affecting your health as well?
If you truly believe that there is a shared interest in having a better relationship between the two of you, then the reaction should be a calculated, strategic response that prevents the argument from spiraling into an unwanted scenario. Yes, unfortunately, in these combustible situations, one person, you, must take the “higher” road, one that will inevitably bruise your ego.
As for responding in the moment, there are ways to deal with your subsequent emotions that do not worsen the situation.
Consider this: when there is a cursing monologue chattering away in your brain, and you want to share in anger what you are very much wanting to say, or clarify, or argue, it is safest to restrict yourself. Here, we must use two methods to make that process easier:
Breathing in the immediate moment
Writing down your thoughts
Deep breathing is very important and helpful because it takes you out of that destructive monologue and into a calmer state. It is difficult, as you will see, to curse at the other person while also taking deep breaths and restoring your body to calm.
Write down your immediate feelings so that they are addressed, not only to the other but also to yourself. Respect your feelings enough to let them out of your mind and onto a physical plane. Write so that the feelings don’t melt into your subconscious and come out another time. This practice is integral to breaking patterns of conflict over time. Additionally, these words can prove to be very useful when speaking to the other about boundary creation.
You and your family members are fellow travelers, trying to make the journey a little less chaotic and a little more beautiful. It will be very hard. I always think to myself, if it was easy, enlightened monks would be living with their families. Admire yourself for taking this very difficult initiative to change.
The next step is to think about a boundary setting conversation.
This conversation is aimed to establish a boundary which when crossed, will be intentionally acknowledged by one person, and communicate it to the other. A non-negotiable when thinking about this conversation, is the passage of time. There needs to be ample time after the incident- to allow for stabilization as well as contemplation of one’s actions.
The requirements of the conversation:
It must be had preferably when the other person is in a relatively good mood and has noticed that you are feeling vulnerable and vice versa.
You need to tell them exactly what happened from your perspective, but before you do that, communicate clearly that you have made the ambitious attempt to put yourself in their shoes and that you would like a chance to share your side. This will prevent them from interrupting and fact checking; ask for some time to tell your story. This story must involve not only what they did and said, but more importantly must have a description of how you felt when they said what they said. Consider which of these statements are more effective:
“When you said this, I felt humiliated and disgusted and unsafe. I hope we can fix it.”
“You said this to me, and it was a horrible thing to say, and you should never say those things to me.”
The first statement is more effective, as it helps them empathize with your feelings, rather than get defensive. Then, explicitly share the boundary.
An example is as follows:
“I do not ever want you to talk to me like that again, and if you do, I will walk out of the room. I want you to do the same if I cross the line.”
In addition to setting the boundary, we are also setting a consequence of that boundary being crossed.
Apply the boundary to yourself as well because it is very likely that you cross boundaries too- maybe implicit/expected boundaries that are especially flammable due to the generation gap. We must remember and strongly consider that we play a part in angering the other person.
Why leaving the room in combustible situations is more beneficial than harmful
A consequence of leaving the room is the emergence of space- which feels uncomfortable. Maybe there are feelings of guilt plaguing you, as is so often the case when you leave someone in a hurt and uncomfortable state.
However, the other will understand that it is not their loved ones leaving them but thinking about the boundary they set and are respecting. They will understand that if there was no distance, it would be far more explosive and hurtful and would leave scars. Therefore, allowing for that space is an uncomfortable but necessary sacrifice.
Another thing you could do is ask the parent if they have any boundaries they are thinking of, and to state them very clearly and bring it to you sometime in the near future. These conversations are awkward, but awkwardness is surely better than estrangement.
This way, there is a shared interest in reducing familial conflict and two people can work together without feeling combative. Communication and compromise are necessary, and thankfully there are skills we can practice and therefore enhance.
You are not their little child anymore
A final aspect to communicate with your parent is a very saddening reminder that you are not their little child anymore. In their mind, you are, and that is something to consider when feeling compassion for them.
Using their relationship with their own parents as an example can prove to be beneficial. As an adult, have they ever felt like telling them to stop treating them like a little child? Their little child?
A way to communicate this could be:
“Even though I am your little child, I am also a grown adult- a functioning person by my own standards. And when we get into a territory that is combative, I unconsciously and impulsively become an adult that is closer to a stranger, than the little child you raised.”
We always hear and feel that family is an important foundation of our life. However, it is a trend that once children grow out of their adolescence, they are unable to communicate with their parents in an efficient manner. This could be because for so long, the conversation has been one sided, and change is hard and uncomfortable. Miscommunications are ubiquitous, and as a result mild estrangement occurs.
We put in so much effort in other areas and relationships of our life, while assuming that the family aspect doesn’t deserve the same work. We believe that if our family members- the people who know us best- do not immediately understand us, then we can never be understood, and the relationship is flawed. However, a relationship with a family member requires the same amount of work, if not more, than other relationships. Although putting in this work can bruise your ego, and make things uncomfortable, it will bring you ever closer to your family. I know it did for me. To healthy relationships!
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