I used to love getting a haircut. Going to the barbershop, showing the guy a picture of some beautiful male model’s head with voluminous hair on the top and a crisp fade on the side. “Hook me up bro! You know I’m tryna look fresh this week”, I’d say. I always wanted to look good, whether it was for my social status at school, whether it was to impress a certain someone, or just be the best looking version of myself. And my hair was a huge part of it. I always thought that my hair was my most attractive feature, and so I always wanted to keep it looking good. It's almost as if my self-esteem was measured by how good my hair looked on a certain day. I loved it when people complimented my hair. When they asked what product I used to spike it up, I would nonchalantly say “I don’t use any product, my hair just naturally works like that”. It would appear as a humble comment, but really I was deliberately putting on a front to hide my pride.
Whenever a thought arised about me maintaining my hair for other people, I shoveled it out by saying it was for me. And that was the end of discussion. “I do it for me and me only”. But what did that mean? Why would someone do something for them that does not really help them if there was no one around? I asked myself, if you were alone on a deserted island, would you still make sure your hair looked nice “for you”?. The answer was no. This hedonistic routine of me being so proud of my hair was fake. It was never about me, it was always about impressing others. And over time, when I stopped getting compliments, I was overly self-conscious of myself.
I vowed to stop caring about how my hair looked, so that I could be myself, and be accepted for who I am, rather than how my hair looked. And it has been a good journey so far! I stopped going to a barber ( a little extreme, I know), because the thought of paying $20 for a haircut (a little ridiculous, I know) repulsed me. So when I was in Japan last semester, I asked my friends to cut my hair for me. The result was two bald spots and an unflattering asymmetric head of hair (you know I still love u tatiana). But it was okay because I wore a hat to school until the bald spots weren’t bald anymore! My hair is getting a little out of order now, so if you see me on campus make sure to holler and compliment it! And if you see that I did get a haircut, know that it is only because my boss said I couldn't be waiting tables looking like a hobo.
There is virtually no way to stop caring about how you look at all, but taking your most prized feature and not giving a fuck about it helps discover yourself. Even with something so little, I feel more genuine and real around people. The fact is, we do not live on deserted islands. We live in a society filled with judgement and validation, and judgement and validation, and judgement and validation. But understanding that we do these things for this society and not “for ourselves” is better than lying to ourselves about it because it will help stay true to who we are. And if you do not know who you are, I urge you to try and find out. Because this journey called life is about finding ourselves, and honesty will make the ride a whole lot better.
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